Joe graduated from law school and decided to open up his own practice in his hometown. The first day the practice opened, Joe saw a man walking towards his office. He decided he was going to make a big impression. Joe picked up the phone and he motioned to the man while talking into the phone. “No. Absolutely not, you tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him to go over the details.” This went on for almost five minutes.
Finally, Joe hung up the phone and turned to the man. “I’m very sorry for the delay, as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”
A lawyer was overheard praying in church: “We respectfully request, and entreat, that due and adequate provision be made this day and date hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such methods and allocations and distribution as may be deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked cereal product shall, in the judgement of the aforementioned parishioners constitute a sufficient supply therefore.”
Interpretation: “. . . give us this day our daily bread.”
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “My God, don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer
“Where’s my Rolex???”
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Sue Em
A layer in Quebec City has launched a class action law suit against the province’s gambling monopoly for not warning players about the alleged dangers of it’s games. Members of the plaintiff class are calling the action “a sure bet.”
If All Else Fails, Strip
Egyptian police have arrested a lawyer who stripped naked and then set fire to his clothes outside the Cairo Supreme Court in protest at what he called a conspiracy to ‘strip’ him of success.
Tobacco Giant Gets Butt Kicked
A Los Angeles jury has ordered tobacco giant Philip Morris to pay $3 billion to a lifetime smoker. Richard Boeken, a 56- year old man with cancer, claimed the tobacco client was liable of fraud, conspiracy and negligence- for not warning him of the health risks of smoking.
Bad Hair Day 30 Years Ago Spurs Lawsuit
A rock music production manager had launched a lawsuit against a San Francisco company for poking fun at a 30 year old photograph of his hair in an advertisement that appeared in several national magazines.
Redheads Are Fiery, Judge Tells Court
Redheads like up to their hot blooded reputation, according to Irish judge who tells a defendant his ginger hair indicated he had a bad temper.
Down Plaintiff, Down
A couple who says their dog was injured by an invisible fence is going to court to try to recover damages for emotional distress they say the animal suffered. The lawsuit names Boomer, a 4 year old Golden Retriever, as the plaintiff.
There’s No Place Like Home
A dozen inmates who escaped from Columbia’s mountain prison of Caloto returned to the institution’s front gates three days later, asking to be readmitted. The prisoners decided to take advantage of a Columbian amnesty law that forgives and forgets prison breaks if a fugitive returns voluntarily within 72 hours.
“In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.”– John Adams
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.”– Mark Twain
“Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.”– Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
“No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.”– Mark Twain (1866)
“Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.”– Anonymous
“The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.”– Ronald Reagan
“There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.”–Mark Twain
” What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.”– Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”–Aesop